I know why I am holding onto Clay so dearly. The emotions I feel when we are together are ten fold of the emotions I have already experienced. I don't want to go through life never feeling this alive again. I do not recall feeling this passionate about anything before this. So while I am driving myself to let go I am beginning to see why I hold on so dearly. Maybe knowing this will make it easier to let go. I am not really sure but I do know that life will forever be different because of him. and a part of me will always have a love for him. But I can't wait anymore, I won't. If he doesn't want to fight for it why should I?

New Year, New plans?

It's been about two weeks. Clay has asked me to get over him. I didn't think it was possible that my heart could break even more. Ironically I think I am finally starting to heal. I love Clay dearly. He has taught me a lot but I don't think I should have to fight this hard to make him want to be with me. If he loved me like he said he did then it would be instant. So maybe we're destined to be good friends. He understands me better than a lot of people. I asked him for fie weeks, to write five letters to him. But I think that project is over before I started it really. I think it's more for me to work through it all in a healthy way. Instead of drinking and smoking not to feel. I'll write letters to him. I am even going to talk to his dad I think. I owe him a thanks and a bitching all in one. Guess we'll see where it all goes from here. I don't think I would take Clay back now after everything he's done. But it would be nice to obtain his friendship in the end.