Hurried Loneliness

I went to the county fair yesterday. It's strange to have something I've been attending for years be tainted by his memory. A place full of laughter and happiness. Small things, that's all it takes for the happier memories to flood in. I played the balloon dart game desperately trying to win a giant cow for him while he rode the gravitron, I was successful. He collects cows, now anytime I see a cow it's like a slap in the face. I can just see his reaction, hear the things he might say about it. This year though 90% of the games had cows. Anywhere I turned. It certainly didn't help matters. Every ride we rode together was a jab in the recently opened wound by cow onslaught. It was the worst on the Tilt-a-Whirl whenever I laughed. I miss who him, the way he was when he was with me. Not always, but whenever I'm not expecting it something brings him to the surface. There is no going back though. We are who we are. I want to be cherished and adored. I want to be on top of the priority list. It's more than spending all your time with me. It's honesty and commitment. It's about putting my feelings above someone else's. It's not lying only sometimes. I pull my strength from knowing what I want for a lifetime. He's gone as quickly as he comes as I rush to remind myself of the ugliness.

What would you choose to define you?

If you have accept one reality then could you possible pick up a new one? If you lived with this idea of yourself and who you wanted to become shouldn't you worry more about becoming that person than the way society is? If you can't first change yourself wouldn't you also be unable to change to general accepted belief? I have chosen to live by my morale compass not that of another. You know your true self, you choose how deep into the mirror you delve. You must first define and decide which faults in yourself you can live with. Isn't that the first step to changing the general? How can you expect to change someone else's opinion if you first haven't made up your mind? What arguement is there left to have if you complete detach yourself?

I live based off emotions. How I feel and what how the interactions with other people. Every choice you make effects somebody but you should never make a choice that isn't what you best align with. I choose to try to find better ways to be involved and interactive with others.

I didn't know, neither will you

I thought I knew pain on a personal level but I never knew a pain like this. Tears burning down my face as we kissed goodbye, my heart trapped in my airway slowly suffocating me despite my deep breath, pulling the blankets closer never quite ridding the chill. I thrash throughout the night, waking mid morning searching for your warmth to comfort me finding only the bitter memory. There was nothing left to say, I wanted you to put my well being before hers and you wouldn't or couldn't. You were in it, only if I could accept how you hang out with her, impossible. I still can’t believe you demanding this of me. After all you’re lying, the rumors and her lying. After you continuously ignoring my wish of giving me time to forgive and forget; a chance to truly trust you again and feel secure in your love for me. The funny thing is you made this list, reasons why you love me. That would have made more of a difference than you realize. You only got to give me one. It was such a cute idea, it made me feel special. You just had to push her on me. You couldn't let the matter rest awhile. You couldn't finish your reasons before asking. You sat in my car, waiting for what I’m not sure. Maybe to watch as I slowly unraveled accepting the news. Hoping maybe the pain, is unexplainably terrible pain, would change my mind. That I might not mind being second best only to her. These friends of yours did just enough to keep their hands clean.  The planted seeds of fear in me by trying in various ways to create our demise. Little did they know these seeds would grow to create a rift they so desperately wanted. I sat there slowly unraveling watching people happily go about their days, you saying it’s not that you don’t love me. As I watched you walk away the leaking damn burst, I cried and cried. You won’t know this pain I feel, the tears I swallow thinking of you. You won’t know that I cannot bear to see your picture let alone your face. You won’t know how much it hurt that Eddie, the only connection I can handle to you won’t be any semblance of my friend. You won’t know cause I won’t tell you.