Blessed Today

For a week I struggled, worried, second guessed my choice for move here to VA. Everyday I talked to Clay and I missed the comfort of his arms. Everynight I went to sleep more distraught and confused, praying to God for guideance. Last Sunday He answered my prayers delivering a message through my pastor just for me. Clay wanted me to compromise my beliefs and standards. He didn't want to help me become strong in the Lord but weaken me, pull me from His light back into the darkness. Clay didn't know it and I won't tell him but that it the way I see it. I am here, away from the darkness that had surrounded my life, living in God's truth, walking stronger by Him everyday. HE blessed me with cutting off the lingering attachment I had to Clay. While I still care dearly for him and am happy he is trying to fix his mistake I just don't want to be with someone who won't support me and help my grow in the Lord. Understanding that and knowing it really eased the emotional rollercoaster I was on. Clay I love you, and always will but finally it is a love for a friend not for a mate.

God is wonderous and will spare you strife if you some to know Him as your Savior and Lord. I have seen this with mine own eyes.

Clay, I love you but...

I'm sorry I couldn't stop loving you. That you were quite possible the best thing to happen to me in adolescence. I'm sorry I have an inability to let go and forget the past. I wish it could be different, that everytime I talked to you I didn't fall in love all over again. I'm sorry we can't just be fuck buddies, as great as sex was. Maybe if I could forget I could be that great friend you always want around. You say you're not mad, that you're just tired of my drama. Yet you are doing the very things I asked you not to. I might not be there to see it but I can feel it, even from 3000 miles away. I know you're hurt too. You are my best friend, the closest person to me right now-besides my brother and my dad. But you know me these days better than they do. I can't go back and change what happened, I'm done trying. I messed up and I lost you. It's time to face that music but it's so hard letting you go. You are my comfort zone, it doesn't matter what is going on in my life just talking to you makes it all seem minuscle. But the hope, it gets inflated and crushes a little more each time. I love you with all my heart but I need to try to love myself again too. Please let me have my heart back if you won't commit to it anymore.

I'm always stuck in the middle. Somewhere inbetween. I love my brother but he makes it impossible to live with him. He tells my I'm pycho and schizo and an emotional basket case. I am chnaging as much as I can but I am human and have feelings that hurt. He says our dad loves me more. I seem to cause fights and

Back burner? I wonder

It seems I only come here when I can't talk to anyone else. That just getting it down, out there somehow is enough. Well my ex recently broke up with girlfriend. We played the blame game yesterday. About the choices we made and the outcome of them. I know I can't blame him completely, I made my choices he didn't force me to choose what I did. But still I find it hard not to lay some blame on him. Within a few weeks of us not "talkking" anymore he was already dating a somewhat friend from high school. I did my best not to act jealous and let it get to me. And as far as anyone knew it didn't. But if you saw the choices I had made after having that thrown in my face without warning you might know better. I am so good and pretending and faking happiness I even had myself fooled for a second. Now here I am 3000 miles away, happier than I was before I came here but I still miss him. Just being on the phone with him eases my pain or anger or whatever I am going through. And I can only take what he says at face value but I wonder if he is just trying to relite or keep the back burner going. I've smiled and been happy that he was happy with his new girlfriend. I accepted it and lived with it. Doesn't that say something about how much he means to me? She thinks she's the only one that wants him in her life, that she's the only one who care about him and it hurts. I can't get mad and call her out on it, she was a friend once and I don't want to hurt her anymore. But it's not fair for her to think she's the only one who cares. No matter how everything turns out I still care deeply for him and he's still one of my very best friends, and I won't give that up easily.

Thoughts and Ramblings

Life changes before your eyes if you're looking for it. Sometimes it changes when you blink. All these changes could mean nothing, some are small having no effect on you. There are others that change everything the way you see or think about a person or event. I've taken a look back at some things recently. While I can't really regret anything because I wouldn't have been brought closer to the Lord by it I don't always like the chnages. I fell in love a bit over a year ago, I got engaged and we broke up. How much love do you have to have for someone to want to spend the rest of your life with them? Enough love where part of me is still in California with him. I would be lying to say seeing and hearing about his new girlfriend didn't hurt. That now that they're broken up a small part of me wishes we could be together even with all this distance. That we would come to realize he wants to do things right. Knowing part of my heart is still in California makes me wonder if I should cut our line of communication off completely. Would I lose my best friend? Would he come looking for me? Would he even miss me talking to him? Honestly I don't have an answer to these questions but I do know that my heart one day will belong completely to my husband even if that means not talking to Clay anymore.
I thought we shared something unique and special . That it would never have a comparison but it seems to me that he has that with his most recent ex too. It dimmed our closeness. It made it easier for him not to talk to me. Maybe that feeling isn't something special, maybe there was nothing unique about us. Then wouldn't our brief engagement have been a lie? I don't know what to think about it anymore.