Life's questions

Life... We constantly look for the answers to it's secrets. We try to dissect the events of our lives and give them meaning. Each time you take a look back you'll make a new discovery of yourself. You'll always try to keep things from changing but that is inevitable. We want an explanation for how we are and aren't always happy with what we find, at least I'm not. There are things in my life I haven't begun to fully understand or even started to understand. I do know that without each event in my life I wouldn't be who I am and overall I am happy with how I am. Sure, there are things I want to change and am working on but who doesn't? And while change scares me if I know it's for the better I take it head on. It isn't always easy but I believe that growing up moving around a lot made it easier to up and leave when change is needed. It also take me to cut myself off from certain emotions which isn't always good. How do you choose who and what to hold onto? Sometimes the choice is made for you but not always. There is no perfect answer to life's questions just what answers you need at the time. The ones that you can face when you go searching.

Two Loves

Over the years you develop this idea of love; what it is and what it means. You'll find that many people you thought you loved was only an infatuation or lust that you belived to be love in the heat of the moment. While I too have found this to be true I know when I said it I was as sincere as I knew how to be. I am twenty years old and have loved openly and honestly twice in my life. There was nothing like these two loves. There was an innocence and honesty in them that you don't often find. The first time I fell in love it was the summer before I turned thirteen. Everyone I knew-my friends included-said it wasn't real, that I was too young and couldn't love someone I'd never met. I loved Sean for almost three years. While I realize now it would never have worked out, being young and living so far from eachother, I know what I felt for him was real. To this day we remain friends although we aren't as close as we were then. He knows me better than most of the friends I was hanging out with all the time. He's trying to teach me to be confindent and not care what others think. To love myself for who I am. That I can't fix everyone's problems. Lessons I am slowly grasping. Clay was my most passionate realizationship thus far. For that very reason I believe it would have never worked out. I believe people should be completely honest with their partners no matter what and I am. That can be hard to handle becuase I don't always dole out the honesty nicely. I also won't be controlled or told and niether will he. We were two stubborn hard headed people trying to find a balance. Neither of us wanted to give. He is a good friend now but I still don't trust him fully. The breakup was rough and drawn out. We were in it for different reasons and when we weren't the understanding and commitment wasn't there. He has found someone who is far better for him than I ever was. I believe they will be happy for a long time, if not for life.

Update on Life

So a news update on my life:

1) I have realized that while I am a lot like my mother I don't have to live life the way she did. I've come to this realization by letting myself sink lower than I had ever thought I would. It wasn't a choice I thought about making but a slow process in justifying the worng things I was doing. As long as I worked hard why not have fun? As long as it didn't effect my work... As long as I remained me... In making this process the lines of who I was and who I was pretending became blurred so I threw out all expectations and guidelines(even those I set for myself).
I am like my mother in the sense that she was big hearted and caring. Sweet and loving to those who were close to her. Indifferent to those who didn't like her. She stood up for the people she cared about and didn't try to fit the mold. In these ways I have been like her and will continue to be.

2) Before I can fix anything for anybody else I first have to set myself straight. I have found my Savior and his Word. While the changes aren't going to be over night there is a noticeable difference in how I am and feel since then. I am not saying I am free from sin, every one everyday sins. I am just washed in the blood and repenting for my sins. I am asking forgiveness and taking myself out of the way of temptation. I am reading the King James Bible everyday even if I don't always understand it. Jesus Christ died for ALL of humankinds sins. To be free from hell all you've got to do is accept him as your Savior.

3) I am moving to Virginia. I came to visit my brother after four months of bickering on the destination of my soul. It was a short two months later I decided I missed him too much and realized the downward spiral I was heading into. The best thing Bry could have done was left it alone which was finally what brought me out here. If you know me you know I am a hard person to care for. Strong willed, stubborn and independent. When he stopped arguing my destruction I stepped back and looked at it myself. With my renewed faith I realized returning to Cali would only drag me back down into that spiral. So Virginia, here I come!

Some people will say I was brain washed or dragged into a cult, all I have to say to that is you've never experienced the love of the Lord. He is where you truly find unconditional love. He sacrificed his only Son so that I could one day reside in his glory. There is a peace in my soul I hadn't known before, a calmness. Through Him all is possible in good time. If you are one of these people I'm truly sad for you.