Security Blanket

I come here to write my deepest thoughts, a virtual diary. I once wanted to used to everyday to track my progress well I failed. So instead I track in mentally when I look back yet again. I am ever changing my mind. It makes me wonder if I have ever really been grounded. People say once you are one way you are always that way. Can it be true? Probably. I have always been a tad indecisive. Always second guessing my choices. It hurts like he's torn away some vital key to being happy. But the anger is a nice comfort like a security blanket. Is lying the same as withholding truth? To a significant other I would argue yes but to parents I would argue no. I guess that makes me hypocritical. Or maybe realistic. No one tells their parents everything, right? But you should be completely honest with person you are intimate with. So for now I will harbor this anger, use it to sheild the hurt. He couldn't even give me a chance to change or readjust. He was where I was once, thinking he had nothing but me. He decided without talking to me. He decided before he even told me he was thinking about it. A sunday he never wanted me around for. A sunday he lied to me about. A sunday he took two girls to the races instead of me. Without telling me the open and honest truth. I wish I knew why.

We haven't gotten in a fight since I've been back. I can't figure out if yesterday was a fight or not. I don't know if you could tell how angry and upset I was at myself. I don't believe I will get behind the wheel of a car and drive like that agian. It was reckless and stupid and could have cost us both a lot more than it has. You were so angry and I didn't want to say the wrong thing so I didn't say anything. The faster I got out of that car the sooner I could break down. I don't know what to say today. I am upset and angry and full of confusion. You said you were tired yet you didn't go home. You say you forgive me yet you blew me off. I am trying not to read into it, to take it personal but I can't. I feel like crap and I don't know how to fix it.

Sorry for the trouble

I recently found out that this blog as been a source of gossip for some back in California. I would like to note that I haven't written this for anything other than a place to put my thoughts. And you know, thoughts change everyday. I work out what is going on in my head the moment I write my blog and forget about it a work on another angle or aspect or something completely different. I would appreciate you keeping your opinions to yourself or better yet stop reading my blog. I have no way of stopping you but if it is going to continue to cause you trouble you might as well quit. Do us both a favor and get over yourself and what I have to say, starting now.

Rantings of my past meeting my present

There is a lot of things I don't always understand. I find myself looking back at some of my decisions now that I'm 10 days away from turning 21. Looking back at how my life played out so far. Everything in my life has happened with reason but I can't be sure I understand it all. The day after I get my phone back my ex texts me photos of his brothers. I have some thoughts on how that came about but he's too stubborn to answer my questions. And I can't be sure they way I think it went down really happened. Do you believe in coincidence? I'm not sure I do. I think he might have texted me while my phone was fried and I just got them that morning but on the other hand I'm not sure that could actually happen. He even knew about the time I got them.Why send me pics of his brothers? As cute as they are I don't understand it. We are two completely different people now, both unwilling to budge. As he reads this I'm sure he's smug and content with himself thinking me talking about him means I still have feelings for him, or at least am thinking of him. He likes to get under my skin and gets enjoyment out of doing it. This is the only reason I am sure he contacted me. He is stubborn and strongwilled and has walled himself up, not letting anyone close even as a friend. It saddens me and makes my heart ache but only briefly. Well this is my rant for now.

Blessed Today

For a week I struggled, worried, second guessed my choice for move here to VA. Everyday I talked to Clay and I missed the comfort of his arms. Everynight I went to sleep more distraught and confused, praying to God for guideance. Last Sunday He answered my prayers delivering a message through my pastor just for me. Clay wanted me to compromise my beliefs and standards. He didn't want to help me become strong in the Lord but weaken me, pull me from His light back into the darkness. Clay didn't know it and I won't tell him but that it the way I see it. I am here, away from the darkness that had surrounded my life, living in God's truth, walking stronger by Him everyday. HE blessed me with cutting off the lingering attachment I had to Clay. While I still care dearly for him and am happy he is trying to fix his mistake I just don't want to be with someone who won't support me and help my grow in the Lord. Understanding that and knowing it really eased the emotional rollercoaster I was on. Clay I love you, and always will but finally it is a love for a friend not for a mate.

God is wonderous and will spare you strife if you some to know Him as your Savior and Lord. I have seen this with mine own eyes.

Clay, I love you but...

I'm sorry I couldn't stop loving you. That you were quite possible the best thing to happen to me in adolescence. I'm sorry I have an inability to let go and forget the past. I wish it could be different, that everytime I talked to you I didn't fall in love all over again. I'm sorry we can't just be fuck buddies, as great as sex was. Maybe if I could forget I could be that great friend you always want around. You say you're not mad, that you're just tired of my drama. Yet you are doing the very things I asked you not to. I might not be there to see it but I can feel it, even from 3000 miles away. I know you're hurt too. You are my best friend, the closest person to me right now-besides my brother and my dad. But you know me these days better than they do. I can't go back and change what happened, I'm done trying. I messed up and I lost you. It's time to face that music but it's so hard letting you go. You are my comfort zone, it doesn't matter what is going on in my life just talking to you makes it all seem minuscle. But the hope, it gets inflated and crushes a little more each time. I love you with all my heart but I need to try to love myself again too. Please let me have my heart back if you won't commit to it anymore.

I'm always stuck in the middle. Somewhere inbetween. I love my brother but he makes it impossible to live with him. He tells my I'm pycho and schizo and an emotional basket case. I am chnaging as much as I can but I am human and have feelings that hurt. He says our dad loves me more. I seem to cause fights and

Back burner? I wonder

It seems I only come here when I can't talk to anyone else. That just getting it down, out there somehow is enough. Well my ex recently broke up with girlfriend. We played the blame game yesterday. About the choices we made and the outcome of them. I know I can't blame him completely, I made my choices he didn't force me to choose what I did. But still I find it hard not to lay some blame on him. Within a few weeks of us not "talkking" anymore he was already dating a somewhat friend from high school. I did my best not to act jealous and let it get to me. And as far as anyone knew it didn't. But if you saw the choices I had made after having that thrown in my face without warning you might know better. I am so good and pretending and faking happiness I even had myself fooled for a second. Now here I am 3000 miles away, happier than I was before I came here but I still miss him. Just being on the phone with him eases my pain or anger or whatever I am going through. And I can only take what he says at face value but I wonder if he is just trying to relite or keep the back burner going. I've smiled and been happy that he was happy with his new girlfriend. I accepted it and lived with it. Doesn't that say something about how much he means to me? She thinks she's the only one that wants him in her life, that she's the only one who care about him and it hurts. I can't get mad and call her out on it, she was a friend once and I don't want to hurt her anymore. But it's not fair for her to think she's the only one who cares. No matter how everything turns out I still care deeply for him and he's still one of my very best friends, and I won't give that up easily.

Thoughts and Ramblings

Life changes before your eyes if you're looking for it. Sometimes it changes when you blink. All these changes could mean nothing, some are small having no effect on you. There are others that change everything the way you see or think about a person or event. I've taken a look back at some things recently. While I can't really regret anything because I wouldn't have been brought closer to the Lord by it I don't always like the chnages. I fell in love a bit over a year ago, I got engaged and we broke up. How much love do you have to have for someone to want to spend the rest of your life with them? Enough love where part of me is still in California with him. I would be lying to say seeing and hearing about his new girlfriend didn't hurt. That now that they're broken up a small part of me wishes we could be together even with all this distance. That we would come to realize he wants to do things right. Knowing part of my heart is still in California makes me wonder if I should cut our line of communication off completely. Would I lose my best friend? Would he come looking for me? Would he even miss me talking to him? Honestly I don't have an answer to these questions but I do know that my heart one day will belong completely to my husband even if that means not talking to Clay anymore.
I thought we shared something unique and special . That it would never have a comparison but it seems to me that he has that with his most recent ex too. It dimmed our closeness. It made it easier for him not to talk to me. Maybe that feeling isn't something special, maybe there was nothing unique about us. Then wouldn't our brief engagement have been a lie? I don't know what to think about it anymore.

Failure?

How do I seem to fail at everything I do? Even being a good christian. I spend too much time on the computer, eat too much and go to movies. I don't spend enough time in pray or reading the bible. I am trying but my mind doesn't always go to that. Is that normal? On top of all that I may have very well ruined the one chance a girl named Samantha had at finding the truth. I can't say it's easy to know I may have messed up her chance. I can't say I agree with the way things were being done. But who am I to choose? Who am I to mess that up for her? Because of my uncanny ability to ruin everything my brother, they only person I have to talk to right now, is angry with me. I can't trun back time and take back what was said. I meant it all so I'm not sure I would take any of it back. I just hope that I can learn to portray my ideas in a way they won't be misunderstood. And that I could leave this feeling of failure in California where I thought it would have stayed in the first place.

Baptized

Yesterday I was baptized. I never thought it would change anything, that it was just an announcement to the world I would do my best to serve God everyday. It did change some things though, I called my dad after service and talked to him about his salvation. Something I would never have thought I would do. Fact is I didn't know where my dad would spend enternity and I was worried. I don't want anyone I know to suffer the tortures of hell but some people don't want to be helped. I can only hope that I can live up to my promise and that He'll use my life for His work. That some might be helped or brought to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. While I am a young christian and not always sure of the things to say to the lost I know the horrors of hell as the Bible tells them. If you do not know God please take the time to learn about him, hear the truth for yourself.

Life's questions

Life... We constantly look for the answers to it's secrets. We try to dissect the events of our lives and give them meaning. Each time you take a look back you'll make a new discovery of yourself. You'll always try to keep things from changing but that is inevitable. We want an explanation for how we are and aren't always happy with what we find, at least I'm not. There are things in my life I haven't begun to fully understand or even started to understand. I do know that without each event in my life I wouldn't be who I am and overall I am happy with how I am. Sure, there are things I want to change and am working on but who doesn't? And while change scares me if I know it's for the better I take it head on. It isn't always easy but I believe that growing up moving around a lot made it easier to up and leave when change is needed. It also take me to cut myself off from certain emotions which isn't always good. How do you choose who and what to hold onto? Sometimes the choice is made for you but not always. There is no perfect answer to life's questions just what answers you need at the time. The ones that you can face when you go searching.

Two Loves

Over the years you develop this idea of love; what it is and what it means. You'll find that many people you thought you loved was only an infatuation or lust that you belived to be love in the heat of the moment. While I too have found this to be true I know when I said it I was as sincere as I knew how to be. I am twenty years old and have loved openly and honestly twice in my life. There was nothing like these two loves. There was an innocence and honesty in them that you don't often find. The first time I fell in love it was the summer before I turned thirteen. Everyone I knew-my friends included-said it wasn't real, that I was too young and couldn't love someone I'd never met. I loved Sean for almost three years. While I realize now it would never have worked out, being young and living so far from eachother, I know what I felt for him was real. To this day we remain friends although we aren't as close as we were then. He knows me better than most of the friends I was hanging out with all the time. He's trying to teach me to be confindent and not care what others think. To love myself for who I am. That I can't fix everyone's problems. Lessons I am slowly grasping. Clay was my most passionate realizationship thus far. For that very reason I believe it would have never worked out. I believe people should be completely honest with their partners no matter what and I am. That can be hard to handle becuase I don't always dole out the honesty nicely. I also won't be controlled or told and niether will he. We were two stubborn hard headed people trying to find a balance. Neither of us wanted to give. He is a good friend now but I still don't trust him fully. The breakup was rough and drawn out. We were in it for different reasons and when we weren't the understanding and commitment wasn't there. He has found someone who is far better for him than I ever was. I believe they will be happy for a long time, if not for life.

Update on Life

So a news update on my life:

1) I have realized that while I am a lot like my mother I don't have to live life the way she did. I've come to this realization by letting myself sink lower than I had ever thought I would. It wasn't a choice I thought about making but a slow process in justifying the worng things I was doing. As long as I worked hard why not have fun? As long as it didn't effect my work... As long as I remained me... In making this process the lines of who I was and who I was pretending became blurred so I threw out all expectations and guidelines(even those I set for myself).
I am like my mother in the sense that she was big hearted and caring. Sweet and loving to those who were close to her. Indifferent to those who didn't like her. She stood up for the people she cared about and didn't try to fit the mold. In these ways I have been like her and will continue to be.

2) Before I can fix anything for anybody else I first have to set myself straight. I have found my Savior and his Word. While the changes aren't going to be over night there is a noticeable difference in how I am and feel since then. I am not saying I am free from sin, every one everyday sins. I am just washed in the blood and repenting for my sins. I am asking forgiveness and taking myself out of the way of temptation. I am reading the King James Bible everyday even if I don't always understand it. Jesus Christ died for ALL of humankinds sins. To be free from hell all you've got to do is accept him as your Savior.

3) I am moving to Virginia. I came to visit my brother after four months of bickering on the destination of my soul. It was a short two months later I decided I missed him too much and realized the downward spiral I was heading into. The best thing Bry could have done was left it alone which was finally what brought me out here. If you know me you know I am a hard person to care for. Strong willed, stubborn and independent. When he stopped arguing my destruction I stepped back and looked at it myself. With my renewed faith I realized returning to Cali would only drag me back down into that spiral. So Virginia, here I come!

Some people will say I was brain washed or dragged into a cult, all I have to say to that is you've never experienced the love of the Lord. He is where you truly find unconditional love. He sacrificed his only Son so that I could one day reside in his glory. There is a peace in my soul I hadn't known before, a calmness. Through Him all is possible in good time. If you are one of these people I'm truly sad for you.

Follow Your Heart, But how?

It's been a month and a half since I've been around. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I have been down a clouded path still unsure of the destination. After Clay blew up at me over talking to his dad I shrugged it off as best as I could. I started smoking almost everyday so I didn't think about him or worry about him. After confirming his relationship with his father was unharmed I cut off contact from him at his request and my personal best interest. I won't say I haven't had fun becuase I have but I am worried. You can only stand at the doorway for so long before you either go in or turn and leave. I started talking to some old friends from my previous stoner days. And I don't want to lose them now that I am turning my back on the one thing that has kept me happy, stable, sane. I know that sounds ridiculous but fighting the demons at the door was easier than I expected it to be and I didn't worry as much as usual. And I never over thought anything. Well that was a fun adventure but Clay is back. Wanting to start something new and I'm not sure I believe him. I found out he lied to me our entire relationship about something real important. How do I know he hasn't lied about anything else? How do I know he isn't lying now? I don't I can only have faith, which I have very little of. Trying to be two people is hard. I am not who I was and neither is he but how do relearn eachother? This is the challenge I face now. Which path to follow is the easy question. How to follow it is harder. The hardest yet is how much do I give up to follow the path to such an unclear destination.

I know why I am holding onto Clay so dearly. The emotions I feel when we are together are ten fold of the emotions I have already experienced. I don't want to go through life never feeling this alive again. I do not recall feeling this passionate about anything before this. So while I am driving myself to let go I am beginning to see why I hold on so dearly. Maybe knowing this will make it easier to let go. I am not really sure but I do know that life will forever be different because of him. and a part of me will always have a love for him. But I can't wait anymore, I won't. If he doesn't want to fight for it why should I?

New Year, New plans?

It's been about two weeks. Clay has asked me to get over him. I didn't think it was possible that my heart could break even more. Ironically I think I am finally starting to heal. I love Clay dearly. He has taught me a lot but I don't think I should have to fight this hard to make him want to be with me. If he loved me like he said he did then it would be instant. So maybe we're destined to be good friends. He understands me better than a lot of people. I asked him for fie weeks, to write five letters to him. But I think that project is over before I started it really. I think it's more for me to work through it all in a healthy way. Instead of drinking and smoking not to feel. I'll write letters to him. I am even going to talk to his dad I think. I owe him a thanks and a bitching all in one. Guess we'll see where it all goes from here. I don't think I would take Clay back now after everything he's done. But it would be nice to obtain his friendship in the end.