Out of Sight, Out of Mind

If only it were true. Haven't seen you in since my drunken adventure that I barely remember and stopped texting you per request the next day. I don't know why

Trip to the past

When I went through high school I wrote a lot of poetry. It was my outlet. For awhile I'll be posting poems from back then, ones I like the best. Gimme feedback if you want.

Running away from shadows
Only to be trapped from within.
Knocking at the door,
Pounding on the walls,
Yet the barriers hold strong.
Who am I
But another lost soul?
Tears straining against my eyes
Though they manage to stay dry.
I've lost connection,
Almost all control.
Able to stay sane,
Only through what I say.

I find myself...

beginning to over analyze everything again. It seems I can only find a bit of peace when I am drowning half the time in some for of crutch. Too much time on my own means I am too much in my head. Every look, what is said and all that's not. As if I can decipher what someone else thinks, feels. It is a curse. The blessing comes from the flip-side of feeling everything truly, deeply with every ounce I have. I recently became aware of a problem I have, have had for awhile, seem to always fall back into the pattern. There are times when I talk without thinking. This week of mostly down time spent alone is maybe just what I need. To analyze myself, take a step back and look at my interaction with others. My thoughts of self. I have a good heart, I would back you even if you were wrong when you're my friend, I often tell you how it is without trying to sugar coat it and I often want to fix everything. I can't but I do my damn best to. So instead of worrying too much what people think I need to work on what I think of me. My friends say I'm awesome and I'm sure they wouldn't be friends with me if I wasn't so let's get to believing that myself. Sure I make mistakes, I can be short tempered and bitchy but who doesn't have flaws?

So I'v been told..

I am good with words. The problem is I don't know if I believe it. I think it is more I write as if I am speaking to someone, sharing my thoughts with them. A lesson, my worries, really anything. I get so weighted with thoughts and worries I find I will suffocate if I don't share them somewhere, somehow. I free myself by putting my thoughts on paper. A sense of freedom.

Life as been rather trying as of late. I have considered throwing in the towel and running home to the comforts of my parents' house. Problem with that is I am too stubborn to give in just yet. Crushing on someone that isn't crushing back. Worrying about if my check with cover rent. Penny pinching til the next paycheck. Going out and partying when it does. Then begin the cycle all over again. Not really sure who I am gunna be at the end of the next month. Wondering what changes might be brought out in myself and if I'll actually like them.

I have begun to accept my heart is always worn on my sleeve. That even when I wanna hide it I can't, my emotions are just too bright and my face too readable. I have lost the bit of protection I had of my emotions when I moved. I can no longer afford my numbing medication.

Well, I don't know what else to say. Feeling kind of stuck inside myself and sad. I'm on the down slope of life, looking forward to the next rise.

Updates and Secrets

It seems this place as become somewhat of a safe haven. A place for secrets and thoughts I have no desire to share in my circle of friends. So here are some updates and secrets left in this online world.

To update y'all on my life, I am residing in Southern California with my best friend. Still working in the retail world and am planning to start school in January.

I am in ever changing state of life right now. It is hard to be so far from home but not unbearable. I am working on branching out and not being so shy.

Is life always about boys? If you are reading this blog you probably would concur that mine is. Why does it matter if John thinks you're cute but you want Adam to hold your hand?

Busy

I guess you could say there's a lot going on. Clay wants to be friends. Sean doesn't want to hear about Clay anymore. And Charles is well, stuck in the middle ground wanting to move forward. I am afraid my heart is too involved with the first two to be anyway involved with the third.

I haven't really given Clay a lot of thought since he broke up with me and stopped talking to him. I find it hard to believe anything he tells me. He has proven time and again he can lie. That he won't give what I want/need a second thought if he hears an out. Why let other people tell you what to do? The only person who is in and therefor affected by his choice in the relationship was me. So while the world might have known what he was doing he didn't feel the need to inform me. Why should I believe anything now? He promised that this was it. Promised he wouldn't just walk away when shit got tough. Now he wants to be friends and frankly I don't know if he's a friend I want to have. He hasn't been dependable. He wasn't very nice and really only provided physical attention. Guess we'll see if he wants to be friends when that perk is no longer available.

As if Clay saying he wants to be friends wasn't enough when I tried to seek advice or what not from Sean, who I always talk to about these things, he tells me he's tired of hearing about him. Sean, who when I told him I was willing to go to school in the LA area just to be closer to him said he was moving to Arizona. As if his geographical location matters in the least to me. He knows how much he means, at least he should after 9 years. He's the one who won't do long distance and I understand that. He's so convinced I'm just gunna let Clay come back and walk all over me. There is history with Clay. I loved him and can't just walk away from that. Sean of all people should understand that. So why is my friendship with Clay such a big deal? I guess I was hoping that after everything he might know while I am naive I'm not stupid. Well, he's not here and hasn't given me any reason to not be Clay's friend so I'll do what I need to.

Then there's Charles. He's so sweet and good but he just broke up with his girlfriend of three months ago less than two weeks ago. I just don't have room for thr drama that's already set in motion. I don't want to be that reason. The thing that keeps them a part if they're meant to be together. I can't read his mind and don't talk to his ex so it's hard to know how much I play a part in it all. I tried to explain I'm only gunna hurt him. That I'm too involved in other things right now. My heart just doesn't have room. He's a warm body to get close to but he's too fragile. I know the type, he'll get attached. To someone who just doesn't have it in her. Why am I so heartless?

Falling Out

Somehow somewhere along the way it stopped being about love it became about lust and the basic need of fulfilment. There isn't a heartwrenching pain or soul shattering sadness. And quite frankly I am a little disappointed in myself for throwing away my content for a boy who still doesn't know what it means to stand by your word. It seems as if everytime I found some peace of mind, some level of self content I let him come back with empty promises.

It's not I believed him in my heart of hearts, more that I believe in the idea that kind of love exists. The kind that weathers everything. I'd be lying to say I didn't love him but I no longer felt he was it, my all, my everything. I should have walked away then but if he had been once couldn't he be again? Well, needless to say he is gone and I am alone, again. It didn't come as a suprise the first time I got a bit hard to handle and his mom started breathing down his neck he turned tail and ran.

The breakup was easy. Cake-walk. It is the effects, the lacks I feel that are hardest. This sadness, depression I can't seem to shake myself out of. As if I can't do or be anything useful right now. I got offered a chance to escape everything, leave it all behind become a cross the country traveller selling magazines. I might be tempted but it is not something I think I can or should embark on. I have a job, a family that loves me and friends even if not many. So then why can't I be happy? I guess this is my plea, my hope that it turns from here.

It's funny...

I almost

actually went out on a limb and did something crazy. But my overly cautious self when ahead and did the safe thing and ask. I mean I was/am pretty sure had I showed up he wouldn't be disgruntled by the distraction until he was sitting down for his test. Yeah I know that's important but I can 't help feeling a bit devious and naughty. Maybe if I had my own car I wouldn't have been so hesitant. But I think I might have felt really rejected if he had turned me out. So I spared myself some pain in a sense. Self-preservation is never a bad thing. I guess there are just some branches I won't climb without knowing for sure I won't fall. The fact that I even want to venture as far as to ask means something right? Well this twisted mess I leave myself in will untangle over time.

Eventually but-

No one can realize I'm worth something if I don't believe it myself. You can make something worse if you let yourself. You have to choose how you want to spend your life. Feeling sad and depressed over thing you can't change or keeping a positive outlook on what is going your way. I guess that's what makes us all different. The choices we make in life and what we decide to fight for. Why not enjoy the great sexual chemistry once in a while? Eventually even that will be over but why rush it? And really what else is there to even hold on to? It's not like he's acted like he actually wants to change. Maybe it's the worst image of myself portrayed in my life... Somehow I'm always brought back to here. Confessing my secrets to a Web of people I don't know.