I find myself...

beginning to over analyze everything again. It seems I can only find a bit of peace when I am drowning half the time in some for of crutch. Too much time on my own means I am too much in my head. Every look, what is said and all that's not. As if I can decipher what someone else thinks, feels. It is a curse. The blessing comes from the flip-side of feeling everything truly, deeply with every ounce I have. I recently became aware of a problem I have, have had for awhile, seem to always fall back into the pattern. There are times when I talk without thinking. This week of mostly down time spent alone is maybe just what I need. To analyze myself, take a step back and look at my interaction with others. My thoughts of self. I have a good heart, I would back you even if you were wrong when you're my friend, I often tell you how it is without trying to sugar coat it and I often want to fix everything. I can't but I do my damn best to. So instead of worrying too much what people think I need to work on what I think of me. My friends say I'm awesome and I'm sure they wouldn't be friends with me if I wasn't so let's get to believing that myself. Sure I make mistakes, I can be short tempered and bitchy but who doesn't have flaws?

So I'v been told..

I am good with words. The problem is I don't know if I believe it. I think it is more I write as if I am speaking to someone, sharing my thoughts with them. A lesson, my worries, really anything. I get so weighted with thoughts and worries I find I will suffocate if I don't share them somewhere, somehow. I free myself by putting my thoughts on paper. A sense of freedom.

Life as been rather trying as of late. I have considered throwing in the towel and running home to the comforts of my parents' house. Problem with that is I am too stubborn to give in just yet. Crushing on someone that isn't crushing back. Worrying about if my check with cover rent. Penny pinching til the next paycheck. Going out and partying when it does. Then begin the cycle all over again. Not really sure who I am gunna be at the end of the next month. Wondering what changes might be brought out in myself and if I'll actually like them.

I have begun to accept my heart is always worn on my sleeve. That even when I wanna hide it I can't, my emotions are just too bright and my face too readable. I have lost the bit of protection I had of my emotions when I moved. I can no longer afford my numbing medication.

Well, I don't know what else to say. Feeling kind of stuck inside myself and sad. I'm on the down slope of life, looking forward to the next rise.

Updates and Secrets

It seems this place as become somewhat of a safe haven. A place for secrets and thoughts I have no desire to share in my circle of friends. So here are some updates and secrets left in this online world.

To update y'all on my life, I am residing in Southern California with my best friend. Still working in the retail world and am planning to start school in January.

I am in ever changing state of life right now. It is hard to be so far from home but not unbearable. I am working on branching out and not being so shy.