Untitled

I'm all choked up
Wish I never fell in love
Even as it breaks
Smile and say "My hearts tough"

It's in his eyes
Before we even touch
Sees all of me
But never does he judge

On my own
Without his warm embrace
Cold catches up
Leaving behind a bitter taste

Day by day
Waiting for his voice
I am stuck
Surrounded by empty noise

Stuck

Keeping everything back from Clay is harder than I thought. I so want to trust him but it's hard when he isn't the only one involved. How do I pretend I'm not scared every second he's not with me or talking to some other girl that I'm gonna lose him... Just thinking of the possibility brings tears to my eyes... I can't say any of this, tell him why it's so heart wrenching today... I feel so stuck... Everything is screaming turn around and run far away but I know when he's close it makes me happy... Just texting with him can bring a smile to my face... I realized tonight that I could be less high strung but I never had enough reason to try not to be before... I never cared enough about anyone else to want to change... Call it stubbornness or pigheadedness or whatever you like but at least I can say it how it is... So here I am itching to be running but concreted in one spot waiting to sink or be freed to fly all for loves sake... Sometimes I am such a sucker... Oh well all is fair in love and war, NOT!

3 AM Musing

It's closing in on 3 am and I can't seem to sleep. It's christmas eve, Bry turns 24 today. It makes me smile sadly thinking about it. Pretty soon these days are going to be gone and we'll be wishing for them back. I understand that better now that I wish I was a kid again. As I look forward I grimace because I don't know where my lfie will lead. I have been up thinking of everything. The gifts I am giving my parents and how I will present them to achieving goals I just forged a few days ago. Somehow they seem more concrete than any other goal I've had. Maybe it's because I think if I acomplish them I will win the heart of my love back although it seems to have gone nowhere. Speaking of love, last night he snuck out to see me. We sat in my car talking, cuddling and well you know what happens when you go park. Lol. It was almost like before everything. I mean it wasn't that life faded away and it was pure bliss but damn it was close. It's on nights like that I think we just might make it past all this, well, shit. If only I wouldn't open my big mouth. He's got this friend that is scared that her friends will hate him. Well ladies don't you agree that can only mean one thing, she likes him. Scares the shit out of me. I can't say anything to him becuase he'll take it the wrong way and just shrug and say it's not like I'm trying to get into her pants. Well sometimes you don't have to try, it just happens. I'd give anything to see a glimpse of the future just to be sure I'm on the right path. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life, not even family funtions. Okay maybe I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Well that's it for now. Good night guys. Well actually good morning.

Choosing

Many things in my life have happened that I would never have expected. Falling in love isn't one of them although the person is a bit of a surprise sometimes. It has been a bumpy road to reach an understanding between us. We love each other undoubtedly but that doesn't make it any easier. I want nothing more than to believe what he tells me but it's unbelievably hard. Love for me was always black and white I never saw a gray area. It either was you were or you weren't in love. I got thrown into a gray area today. I want to believe him and God knows I believe in him it's harder to trust that he speaks truth. His dad says he'll stop talking to him if he finds out we are in a relationship again. How am I supposed to deal with that? I can't make him choose, I'd never do that. It's his dad and I wouldn't want to be the reason they don't talk. The grayest of areas that I've seen. He says he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to lose his dad either. There is never a dull moment with this boy, I swear. I want nothing more than to be with him but I don't know how to handle this. It hurts too much when he goes away, I'm so afraid he won't come back like before. Or that we'll fight again. I don't think I'd handle another good bye. I feel like I've already walked through fire and ice simultaneously for him. And I know I'd do it all again. I have never felt so truly sure of where my heart is. Man I sure fucked it all up. Life is quite complicated. So how do you make someone you love choose? Answer is you don't, you wait.

Typical

If you've been reading you will know that Clay-my ex-is what I have mostly been writing about. It's ironic how typically young I am in that sense. I know there is more to life than just my stupid problems with him but it just happens to be the center of my universe right now. I sound like any other teenager in love and blah blah blah. I know, I know. I always prided myself in being more mature and being able to see past my problems because they were small and insignificant to the big picture. This seems to important like it always does with boys. Why am I such a girl sometimes? Ok, it's better than the alternative most days but still. I am a sucker for love. this is the real truth. Where boys being the center of my universe stems, I think. But then again what girl isn't. I like to think that my need for love is so much more intense than the average person of 20 or so years. But that's not right I think. We are all searching for our other half. The person that makes living more than just surviving. There is nothing special or irrational about my need. I realize this but still cannot convince myself. That is another human trait, we all want to be individual but end up all being the same. We all rebel, and pout and throw attitude. In the end we are basically the same characteristally, anyways.

Made for eachother?

Goodbyes don't seem to stick with us-Clayton and I is who I am talking about. I don't know how to just let him walk out of my life without fighting for it. Maybe it would be for the best but I have a hard time believing that. It's like we're two halves of a hole. If you ask me he got the better ebd of it. I am ALWAYS stressed or worrying or bitching about something it feels like. While he gets to go out have fun trying new things and basically be his age. He makes me feel normal you could say. It's not like I don't know that me worrying and stressing so much isn't normal. It's just always been my way. And he'll argue with me over stupid things because well I'm argumentative. He doesn't just sit there and let go in one ear and out the other. He makes valid points that I actually have to think about a response to. We could have been something great, maybe we still can. I think that's why I can't just let him walk away. I saw him tonight. Yelled at him for being well idiotic. It's funny he just stood there listening, arguing with me back. He could have gotten in his car and just left. That's gotta mean something, right? I lied to him. I bought him this ring yesterday but I told him I had bought it awhile back. I don't know why I even bought it in the first place. It was impulsive which isn't usual for me. Sometimes I wish God would just shout out what he wanted from me and that be it. I hate feeling so helpless and confused. Why give me someone in my life that was made for me then take it away? He's got one hell of a sense of humor if you ask me.

Day in the rain

So it's mid-December here in the bay. My favorite time of year but we had little rainfall up until today. So the cold weather hadn't really been worth the trouble in my mind. The one day of rain we had before this was end of October and I ended up in a car crash. Well today we had rain, real rain. So my friend and I went strolling through the streets of this small town. Dancing around like a crazy person. It was the most fun I had in awhile. Anyways family movie night thing so see ya'll tomorrow.

Wish This Was Reality

You know those dreams you have where you just wait to curl up in bed and dream the rest of your life? I just had one of those, where reality is so much worse than the dream.

My dream started with Clayton calling me at like 7 30 am to talk. Well at some point it became a conversation in person. Well he got in his car and started to drive away so I chased him down in mine. In a blink of an eye I wasn't driving behind him but in the backseat of his mom's car. I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed. He started to cough a little and immediately I loosened my grip saying sorry over and over on the verge of tears. That I didn't mean to choke him I just wanted to hold him forever. He said get in the trunk my mom is home. So I climbed into this oval bin and scrunched down as much as I could. All of a sudden there was this tire in the road and he swerved around it. I had gripped the edges of the bin as he swerve. He looked at me the said, "Why were you scared?" I looked at him confused, "I wasn't, in was just in case." Then he started talking about how he would have to sneak me in and what how he would leave. He was talking really fast that I don't remember exactly what was said. As we were pulling onto the freeway we saw this hitch hiker and picked him up. His mom's car turned into his truck at this point. He was driving really slow onto the free way and i was getting scared cause picking up hitch-hikers is illegal. So he got off on the first off ramp pulled over and we all got to to walk. I was wearing nothing but panties at this point and I'm not sure why. Well we walk onto this beach-like area that turns out to be the middle of the apartment complex Val and Steven lived. Jake and Steven are having a water fight as I storm past my arms folded over my chest not pleased about the fact that I'm naked practically. Clay runs to catch up offering me a shirt. Behind me I hear Jake mention that I'm not really wearing anything as I pull on my shirt. Clay wraps his arm around me to block me from their view. We go into Val's apartment and upstairs because Clay had a few things of his there. Val who was supposed to be gone for awhile comes home early. So she comes up and I try to hide in the closet but end up knocking over her clean clothes so I picked them up again. I know when she is staring at me and look up. "Hi" I said meekly. She's like what are you doing here? I looked at Clay who started to answer about how we're gunna give it another try. At this point I'm standing beside them and she looked at me and was like don't take this personal but- looking back at Clay. I started to say How could you I'm a bitch and mean and some other things Val I'm sure thinks of me. They both turned to look at me gap-mouthed. I just shrugged and said I want to change. That's when I woke up, or so I thought. I got up remembered it was just a dream which hurt. I curled up into myself wanting to disappear but Lily showed up and we went for a walk so I could tell her about my dream. That part wasn't in it it sorta faded to us coming back. A couple of cops drove past and Tammy had said that someone had broken into cars in the area. Well my little sister's purse was in my car from when I had taken her to Starbucks but there was no money in it anymore. Tammy started to say that it was my fault because I didn't make sure she brought her purse inside with her. I just turned and started walking away think I don't need to be dealing with you right now kind of thing. When we got back to the house which wasn't like my house at all we went to the bathroom then climbed up a ladder to my room which was bigger than the one I'm in right now. When we got back I finished about my dream and then started talking about how I wished it wasn't a dream more than anything but I didn't know what I would do because of the lie he told. Well Brooke and Sarah came in to make me stop mopping and have some fun. Well while they are trying to lighten my mood by brother was there but no one else could see him. And he was conversing with an animal or something that was with Clay. At some point the drove up right next to my window taunting me. It was two trucks this curly bouncy blond hair girl drove one with a friend of hers I assume and Clay drove the other one. I never looked for Clay I just knew. I couldn't pull away from the girl but as she sped after Clay I wished that I had looked at him. My heart was breaking a little more watching her chase him down. That must be his new girlfriend I thought. He called but Brooke answered. I don't remember what she said but it was something about how he had a new girl now and didn't need me and the sex was so much better than it was with me. After he hung up I grabbed the phone and called back. I thought he had answered so I starting going off on how happy I was for him but if he could leave me the fuck alone or something. I never did finish what I was saying cause I heard him laugh in the background as Val started talking. Telling me that he found out I was planning on breaking up with him and decided not this time. She was mumbling so I had to ask twice before I heard it all. I knew then that it was her who had said something. I let the tears stream as I asked how she could and that i only do something that I'm a hundred percent positive about and when I talked to her I wasn't. She started to say I'm sorry and then Clay showed up at the front door.

That's when I woke up for real. It was a dream that I wanting to keep having. This has been a first for me. But reality continues to suck and dreams are the desperate wishes we never speak.

Why I blog...

It accured to me that not everyone understands why I blog. Some people think it's just a way to start drama well that's not the case. It's not even about getting word out although that part is a plus. I blog to get things off my chest. When I was younger I never said anything to anyone about the things that bothered me. As I've gotten older I chose to let more people in but I still have secrets, thing I can't bring myself to say so I blog. I get it out there for anyone to read and give their opinion on it. It isn't for attention or to cause drama. I write the truth as best as I can from my point of view. Sometimes they are random thoughts about life or questions I thought of throughout the day. Others it's about a particular person or situation that I can't get out of my head. To put it quite simply I blog because it's the only place I'm not afraid to let it all out therefore let it go. It doesn't bog me down if I get it down on paper or well here. It gives me a sense of freedom and the ability to get past somethings when no one else will hear me. So I hope you remember this as I continue to track my life.

Trust

Whenever I'm asked how I'm doing it's always the same. Good days and bad days. Just when I think I'm over the worst of it some light is shed on another matter of darkness. Why do people lie? Do they think it makes it easier? It hurts more in the end. Finding out the truth after so many times the lie has been repeated is like learning what you thought was red is really blue. How can I ever trust again? He said he loved me and always will but he lied. Those two concepts don't fit for me. I am honest even if it hurts me. I never said I love you unless I meant it. That last week all I said was yeah I know. It was bitchy but I couldn't bring myself to lie. Trust has always been an issue for me, adding this situation I'm not sure I'll ever trust again. It hurts to my core. I wonder what other lies he told. And how he could possible repeat them over and over? If you love someone you should never lie, not even a white lie. The concept of deceit should never intertwine with that of love.

12/8/08-Acceptance

I was up late last night talking to an old friend of mine. He made me laugh and smile when I needed it the most. To this friend I owe a big thanks. You started the healing process where I must pull myself from the hole I built. It won't be an easy task, I know, but you have to start somewhere. For me a trip down memory lane did the trick. I wasn't always as I am. I was less trusting and more introverted. The definition of shy you could say. Well I am not necessarily outgoing because I only speak when I have something to say. That's just how I am. Writing has always come like a second nature where talking about nothing with strangers never really fit. I am angry, hurt, disappoint and confused. What has happened I cannot change and people always see what they want even if they are lies. I am shedding the cuts a bruise of the ordeal, however slowly. There are sure to be scars or repercussions. There always is. I will learn to live with this as I fight to define myself once again.

The Beginning

A written record of life on a near everyday basis is one of the bets ways to track growth. You can look back upon who you were six months ago or longer depending on how long you keep up the efforts. To start let's explain who I am with facts. I am 20-years-old living at my parents house. I work for a living, school didn't work out. I have blonde hair but I dye it often when I need a change. My eyes are generally blue but sometimes are shades of green or grey. I am 5'4". I am blunt-with coutesy if I like you. And sarcasm drips from my words most of the time. Now for the things that aren't so cut and dry. My life as not been an easy path to follow. The damage I find that I fixed is replace by more in a short time. I don't always trust my judgement in what makes me happy and the thing that I want. Sometimes it take me only a day to decide other times it take me months. As an effect I constantly rethink decisions I've made. On top of that I pushed most people away or keep the at a safe distance. Where I can crawl back inside the hole that is always inside so that I can hide the darkest of my thoughts. It has left me feeling rather alone and isolated. I don't have the energy or strength to reach out to anyone. So here is where I will begin to write it all out. The darkest of my thought, the everyday battles I have with myself and those around me. It's as good a place to start as any I say.