Ruins You Say, I Say Not

               You may see my life in ruins if you knew where I had been just a few years ago. You would see I had more friends than I could count while now I can count on one hand those I call friend. I had boys coming back around after I’d tossed them aside. I was confident and sure of whom I was at the time. I am different now. I am wary of boys who come back because broken promises are all I ever find. I have fewer friends because I kept in touch with the true blue ones while steering away for the ones on paths I did not want to take.  I grew into the responsibility of adulthood while many shrank from it with booze and drugs. It is neither here nor there.  I do not see ruins. I see a strong foundation for the future I hope to have.

Difference A Few Months Makes

She didn’t waste long teary nights or sad dreadful days on him. No, he had wronged her one time many times for the pain to be overbearing. Instead she languished in anger. A sneak attack she’d never seen coming. She knew she had fault but she had been trying. She gave so much of herself to him, more than he ever realized. Was there a lesson to be learned here?

She couldn’t think straight. She only thought of ways to bring him pain and suffering.

His car: the precious thing that had fated them together, easy target. A few knifed tires and broken windows. Add some dents and pesticide. Oh the ways she could ruin his precious car. No, vandalism is fixed easy enough and could result in jail time. The real satisfaction would be his heart shattered.

Blood and tears: the only thing that could feed her madness. She dreamed on slamming his face into the concrete. She imagined his pleading cries when he came back to find she had already gone. She looked longingly into the future when he would try to be her friend. Oh, she would for a moment pretend there were no hard feelings, only long enough to knee him in the family jewels. Catch him as completely unguarded as he had done to her.

He didn't break her more; he only showed her how right she was. She thought back to only a few months. When she had asked him to put her first, when he refused they had parted ways. This was different, she did not miss him. She did not long to share her darkest feelings with him. He would never be the best friend she needed. It only took a year and a half to learn. 

My New Dream

When I was young
I dreamt to fly
Away, in the clear blue sky
Against the wind, through the clouds
To the Atlantic and back again
Oh, what a way to be free!
Now I'm older
But I still dream
Just a bit differently
You see, I've flown only to fall
Underneath a blackened me
Black with anger, black with guilt
Black with sadness that cripples me
Oh, I miss how to be me
To go back where I was free
Everything as it's supposed to be
Sadness yes but joy too
Guilt forgiven, anger drained
This is my new dream

I wrote this about a year ago. I thought I 'd share.

Strength to stand alone

               She stood alone in a gray haze. She felt a breeze but it was not the normal sound of wind she heard, instead voices filled the air, twisting and weaving around her. Some are echoes of her own thoughts, some the ideals of others pushing against her. Echoes of fear, doubt, hope and warning pounding into her as if hailing from the sky.  She missed the silence, the calm he awakened in her. She was struggling to remember why freedom seemed so important. No, it wasn't the freedom that was important but the truths he kept from her. He destroyed everything she thought she knew about him, all that she understood about their relationship. She couldn't understand how it could come to this. What did she do to make him lie? Had she driven him away somehow? How could she learn to trust him again? The woman so important to lie about and for was still around. She could not and would not ask or let him ruin a friendship built over ten years with this woman. Instead she let go of his hand, walked away from the calm which hadn't been so calm as of late, into the storm she now faced. She got a lot of support and encouragement from those who loved her. She’d smile and nod but could not begin to explain how she felt. Something they said was so great only left a bitter taste. 

If my life was a show.....

I was going through my daily life routine when I had an interesting thought. I realized some of the shows I watch I am invested in emotional. I feel for the characters as if I actually knew them. I cry for the bad things they experience and rejoice when things work out for them. These shows I invest my feeling into mean much more to me than the ones I watch purely for intrigue or entertainment. You don’t always see the nitty gritty day to day details, but you know there must be some routine. I am pondering what my life as a show would be. What kind of audience would I attract? Am a loveable character, one people would invest in or would it be purely entertaining to see what messes I get into? Would people see a different side than me to the people I spend time with? Who would the route for in the end? I guess I am considering this because I am constantly seeking input in the decisions I make. I have made so many myself that haven’t turned out quite right. A lesson is always learned but I have begun to doubt my ability to see what is best for me. Any thoughts?

Hurried Loneliness

I went to the county fair yesterday. It's strange to have something I've been attending for years be tainted by his memory. A place full of laughter and happiness. Small things, that's all it takes for the happier memories to flood in. I played the balloon dart game desperately trying to win a giant cow for him while he rode the gravitron, I was successful. He collects cows, now anytime I see a cow it's like a slap in the face. I can just see his reaction, hear the things he might say about it. This year though 90% of the games had cows. Anywhere I turned. It certainly didn't help matters. Every ride we rode together was a jab in the recently opened wound by cow onslaught. It was the worst on the Tilt-a-Whirl whenever I laughed. I miss who him, the way he was when he was with me. Not always, but whenever I'm not expecting it something brings him to the surface. There is no going back though. We are who we are. I want to be cherished and adored. I want to be on top of the priority list. It's more than spending all your time with me. It's honesty and commitment. It's about putting my feelings above someone else's. It's not lying only sometimes. I pull my strength from knowing what I want for a lifetime. He's gone as quickly as he comes as I rush to remind myself of the ugliness.

What would you choose to define you?

If you have accept one reality then could you possible pick up a new one? If you lived with this idea of yourself and who you wanted to become shouldn't you worry more about becoming that person than the way society is? If you can't first change yourself wouldn't you also be unable to change to general accepted belief? I have chosen to live by my morale compass not that of another. You know your true self, you choose how deep into the mirror you delve. You must first define and decide which faults in yourself you can live with. Isn't that the first step to changing the general? How can you expect to change someone else's opinion if you first haven't made up your mind? What arguement is there left to have if you complete detach yourself?

I live based off emotions. How I feel and what how the interactions with other people. Every choice you make effects somebody but you should never make a choice that isn't what you best align with. I choose to try to find better ways to be involved and interactive with others.

I didn't know, neither will you

I thought I knew pain on a personal level but I never knew a pain like this. Tears burning down my face as we kissed goodbye, my heart trapped in my airway slowly suffocating me despite my deep breath, pulling the blankets closer never quite ridding the chill. I thrash throughout the night, waking mid morning searching for your warmth to comfort me finding only the bitter memory. There was nothing left to say, I wanted you to put my well being before hers and you wouldn't or couldn't. You were in it, only if I could accept how you hang out with her, impossible. I still can’t believe you demanding this of me. After all you’re lying, the rumors and her lying. After you continuously ignoring my wish of giving me time to forgive and forget; a chance to truly trust you again and feel secure in your love for me. The funny thing is you made this list, reasons why you love me. That would have made more of a difference than you realize. You only got to give me one. It was such a cute idea, it made me feel special. You just had to push her on me. You couldn't let the matter rest awhile. You couldn't finish your reasons before asking. You sat in my car, waiting for what I’m not sure. Maybe to watch as I slowly unraveled accepting the news. Hoping maybe the pain, is unexplainably terrible pain, would change my mind. That I might not mind being second best only to her. These friends of yours did just enough to keep their hands clean.  The planted seeds of fear in me by trying in various ways to create our demise. Little did they know these seeds would grow to create a rift they so desperately wanted. I sat there slowly unraveling watching people happily go about their days, you saying it’s not that you don’t love me. As I watched you walk away the leaking damn burst, I cried and cried. You won’t know this pain I feel, the tears I swallow thinking of you. You won’t know that I cannot bear to see your picture let alone your face. You won’t know how much it hurt that Eddie, the only connection I can handle to you won’t be any semblance of my friend. You won’t know cause I won’t tell you.