Hurried Loneliness

I went to the county fair yesterday. It's strange to have something I've been attending for years be tainted by his memory. A place full of laughter and happiness. Small things, that's all it takes for the happier memories to flood in. I played the balloon dart game desperately trying to win a giant cow for him while he rode the gravitron, I was successful. He collects cows, now anytime I see a cow it's like a slap in the face. I can just see his reaction, hear the things he might say about it. This year though 90% of the games had cows. Anywhere I turned. It certainly didn't help matters. Every ride we rode together was a jab in the recently opened wound by cow onslaught. It was the worst on the Tilt-a-Whirl whenever I laughed. I miss who him, the way he was when he was with me. Not always, but whenever I'm not expecting it something brings him to the surface. There is no going back though. We are who we are. I want to be cherished and adored. I want to be on top of the priority list. It's more than spending all your time with me. It's honesty and commitment. It's about putting my feelings above someone else's. It's not lying only sometimes. I pull my strength from knowing what I want for a lifetime. He's gone as quickly as he comes as I rush to remind myself of the ugliness.