I didn't know, neither will you

I thought I knew pain on a personal level but I never knew a pain like this. Tears burning down my face as we kissed goodbye, my heart trapped in my airway slowly suffocating me despite my deep breath, pulling the blankets closer never quite ridding the chill. I thrash throughout the night, waking mid morning searching for your warmth to comfort me finding only the bitter memory. There was nothing left to say, I wanted you to put my well being before hers and you wouldn't or couldn't. You were in it, only if I could accept how you hang out with her, impossible. I still can’t believe you demanding this of me. After all you’re lying, the rumors and her lying. After you continuously ignoring my wish of giving me time to forgive and forget; a chance to truly trust you again and feel secure in your love for me. The funny thing is you made this list, reasons why you love me. That would have made more of a difference than you realize. You only got to give me one. It was such a cute idea, it made me feel special. You just had to push her on me. You couldn't let the matter rest awhile. You couldn't finish your reasons before asking. You sat in my car, waiting for what I’m not sure. Maybe to watch as I slowly unraveled accepting the news. Hoping maybe the pain, is unexplainably terrible pain, would change my mind. That I might not mind being second best only to her. These friends of yours did just enough to keep their hands clean.  The planted seeds of fear in me by trying in various ways to create our demise. Little did they know these seeds would grow to create a rift they so desperately wanted. I sat there slowly unraveling watching people happily go about their days, you saying it’s not that you don’t love me. As I watched you walk away the leaking damn burst, I cried and cried. You won’t know this pain I feel, the tears I swallow thinking of you. You won’t know that I cannot bear to see your picture let alone your face. You won’t know how much it hurt that Eddie, the only connection I can handle to you won’t be any semblance of my friend. You won’t know cause I won’t tell you.