Falling Out

Somehow somewhere along the way it stopped being about love it became about lust and the basic need of fulfilment. There isn't a heartwrenching pain or soul shattering sadness. And quite frankly I am a little disappointed in myself for throwing away my content for a boy who still doesn't know what it means to stand by your word. It seems as if everytime I found some peace of mind, some level of self content I let him come back with empty promises.

It's not I believed him in my heart of hearts, more that I believe in the idea that kind of love exists. The kind that weathers everything. I'd be lying to say I didn't love him but I no longer felt he was it, my all, my everything. I should have walked away then but if he had been once couldn't he be again? Well, needless to say he is gone and I am alone, again. It didn't come as a suprise the first time I got a bit hard to handle and his mom started breathing down his neck he turned tail and ran.

The breakup was easy. Cake-walk. It is the effects, the lacks I feel that are hardest. This sadness, depression I can't seem to shake myself out of. As if I can't do or be anything useful right now. I got offered a chance to escape everything, leave it all behind become a cross the country traveller selling magazines. I might be tempted but it is not something I think I can or should embark on. I have a job, a family that loves me and friends even if not many. So then why can't I be happy? I guess this is my plea, my hope that it turns from here.