Busy

I guess you could say there's a lot going on. Clay wants to be friends. Sean doesn't want to hear about Clay anymore. And Charles is well, stuck in the middle ground wanting to move forward. I am afraid my heart is too involved with the first two to be anyway involved with the third.

I haven't really given Clay a lot of thought since he broke up with me and stopped talking to him. I find it hard to believe anything he tells me. He has proven time and again he can lie. That he won't give what I want/need a second thought if he hears an out. Why let other people tell you what to do? The only person who is in and therefor affected by his choice in the relationship was me. So while the world might have known what he was doing he didn't feel the need to inform me. Why should I believe anything now? He promised that this was it. Promised he wouldn't just walk away when shit got tough. Now he wants to be friends and frankly I don't know if he's a friend I want to have. He hasn't been dependable. He wasn't very nice and really only provided physical attention. Guess we'll see if he wants to be friends when that perk is no longer available.

As if Clay saying he wants to be friends wasn't enough when I tried to seek advice or what not from Sean, who I always talk to about these things, he tells me he's tired of hearing about him. Sean, who when I told him I was willing to go to school in the LA area just to be closer to him said he was moving to Arizona. As if his geographical location matters in the least to me. He knows how much he means, at least he should after 9 years. He's the one who won't do long distance and I understand that. He's so convinced I'm just gunna let Clay come back and walk all over me. There is history with Clay. I loved him and can't just walk away from that. Sean of all people should understand that. So why is my friendship with Clay such a big deal? I guess I was hoping that after everything he might know while I am naive I'm not stupid. Well, he's not here and hasn't given me any reason to not be Clay's friend so I'll do what I need to.

Then there's Charles. He's so sweet and good but he just broke up with his girlfriend of three months ago less than two weeks ago. I just don't have room for thr drama that's already set in motion. I don't want to be that reason. The thing that keeps them a part if they're meant to be together. I can't read his mind and don't talk to his ex so it's hard to know how much I play a part in it all. I tried to explain I'm only gunna hurt him. That I'm too involved in other things right now. My heart just doesn't have room. He's a warm body to get close to but he's too fragile. I know the type, he'll get attached. To someone who just doesn't have it in her. Why am I so heartless?