Stuck

Keeping everything back from Clay is harder than I thought. I so want to trust him but it's hard when he isn't the only one involved. How do I pretend I'm not scared every second he's not with me or talking to some other girl that I'm gonna lose him... Just thinking of the possibility brings tears to my eyes... I can't say any of this, tell him why it's so heart wrenching today... I feel so stuck... Everything is screaming turn around and run far away but I know when he's close it makes me happy... Just texting with him can bring a smile to my face... I realized tonight that I could be less high strung but I never had enough reason to try not to be before... I never cared enough about anyone else to want to change... Call it stubbornness or pigheadedness or whatever you like but at least I can say it how it is... So here I am itching to be running but concreted in one spot waiting to sink or be freed to fly all for loves sake... Sometimes I am such a sucker... Oh well all is fair in love and war, NOT!